KOOL-AID: it’s okay. am not dead

It was what I guess you would call “an episode.” Have read the two posts I made that day and can see may have been obvious to you folks reading this. The dribble!

It got a lot worse. Has been a long while since have been like this. Church will say is because they were helping me but in all honesty think was so depressed my manic side had no air to breathe.

Went to Policeman’s just as I said I would. He wasn’t home but took me a long time to figure that out. Knocking on glass kitchen door for ages, probably screaming out his name though I don’t remember. At some point the glass on his door broke and my hand was soon covered in blood but didn’t notice it — just saw it as a sign to leave.

Didn’t notice how wasn’t dressed for weather, either. Had gone to Landlord’s home and Policeman’s in a singlet.

When arrived back at the cottage Landlord was there; panicked. Saw my hand and panicked some more. Think I yelled and screamed at him. Okay. Know I did. He was trying to get me, the bloody mess, to go inside the cottage with him. I yelled it was just to get me inside to fuck me. Yup. I did that.

He managed to get me on the settee and wrapped a towel around my bleeding arm. Said he fancied a tea and went off to the kitchen to make one. Was gone ages. I lit a cigarette, not caring my landlord was in the house with me as I did so.

He’d made me coffee and brought our two cups in, setting them on the coffee table. Sat next to me. At which point I was like, ah, yeah, I’ll fuck you then, go on. I tried to kiss him. Greatly affronted when he turned me down. But then he said we’ll have our tea and coffee first and then we’ll have sex. Which I thought was fair enough.

And then, to my surprise, Policeman turns up. And you know, he and Landlord were perfectly cordial. Was weird. Apologised to Policeman for breaking his window. He said was fine. Asked to take a look at my arm, saying he thought I needed stitches. Landlord was in agreement.

‘Why don’t we just nip to the hospital and get it looked at?’ He said.

‘Oh, no,’ I told him, (and seriously, this is what I said) ‘after my coffee Landlord and I are going to fuck.’

Now. Think through all of this was actually calling Landlord, Landlord and Policeman, Policeman; instead of their actual, real-life names.

Anyway, the two of them exchange looks and Landlord tells me he’s happy to wait for when I come back.

And then I — the horrors — I say to Policeman, as I agree to leave with him, ‘Is fine, I’ll come with you to the hospital. Landlord probably can’t get it up anyway. He has Parkinson’s.’ Said all of this in a mock whisper.

Policeman looked at Landlord. Landlord nodded.

Was whisked away into police vehicle. After much demanding, he sounded the sirens for me.

Is about twenty minutes to nearest A&E. Good thing wasn’t dying.

Lovely young doctor; Indian, much, much dialogue about cricket. Am so racist, assuming every Indian is a cricket fan. Though this one was, luckily. Thing I regained tale of my crush on Sachin Tendulkar and how was convinced we would be married until realised there was a whole race/religion issue neither one of us could over come. Think I made it sound like we dated or something. FYI — we didn’t. But, you know, there was flirting.

Doctor put six neat little stitches in my arm. When he left another doctor turns up and I just knew, knew by the look of her what she was and I started screaming how it was against my religion to see a psychiatrist. The whole restraining thing happened, and like a scene from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was given a big fat needle in my bum and everything went dark.

Was in hospital for three days. Dosed up on sedatives and lithium.

Guess am very lucky not to have been committed. Think Policeman had something to do with it.

Policeman visited me.

Landlord visited me.

Heck, even Gruff visited me. Landlord called him after I’d turned up at his house las Friday. Gruff gave him my history.

Was a risk for Gruff to come and see me, but, as he said, the church didn’t know was in hospital and then, wouldn’t know which.

Despite all that happened, no sympathy from Gruff. Not the sympathy kind. ‘Was expected, though, don’t you think? Would have been a fool if you thought you wouldn’t have another episode again.’

Yes, thank you, Gruff.

When was time to leave hospital, was Policeman who picked me up. He took me to Landlord’s. And again, very odd how cordial the two men were. Thought they hated one another but there they were, in the same room, Landlord asking Policeman if he would like tea, though was politely declined.

Stayed two days with Landlord. Policeman visited me there. We took a walk through the grounds — the terraces and fields at the back of the manor which I have not seen before.

Almost expected the conversation. Is weird — now that we can finally converse verbally, there’s no need to do it.

Policeman told me I was beautiful, lovely, etc, etc. But with what I had been through — not just this week, but the last few years — wasn’t right for me to be in a relationship.

Couldn’t be angry with him. Understood it. Am too much trouble to be with. And am not saying that to be down on self. Is just fact. Am complicated and, well, damaged. Have the sense by the way Policeman spoke that he’s had enough difficulty in his life. There’s a sadness I noticed that haven’t before.

When I said to Landlord I wanted to come home, he didn’t object.

Have done a lot of sleeping, but is normal after an episode. At present I just feel kind of numb. Am not sure if is the lithium — has been so long since have been on it.

Dear Landlord — am supposed to be looking after him but lately it’s been the opposite. Wonder if he regrets agreeing to have me stay. Have been nothing but trouble since I arrived.

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