I’ve really been enjoying YouTube at the moment. In particular, beauty tutorials. Have never really been the makeup type. In the past I may have tipped my hat at makeup every now and then with some mascara and maybe, just maybe, eyeliner. I remember when I left home to live in the ‘big city’ and start work at a doctors surgery my mum (never a makeup-wearer herself) said to me, ‘maybe you should wear a little makeup?’
It wasn’t a dig. I think she was just trying to encourage me to be a little more presentable. And for whatever reason, makeup makes you more presentable.
Up until recently I never in my life wore foundation. Now that the time has passed, I can boastfully admit to you that I had beautiful skin. The real kind of peaches and cream complexion. Sure, I’d often go red as a beetroot (my rosy cheeks being sometimes too rosy) but it would always pass. My skin was clear and blemish free and anything covering it would have looked unnatural.
But then I got old. Yes, the wrinkles, but I don’t really give a shite about them. We all have them. Maybe I’ll botox it up later on. But. My skin. Ugh. I’m guessing a lifetime of medication combined with a refined sugar diet has taken its toll. I have pimples and bumps and dryness and irritation. The peaches and cream complexion is more blood orange and four. Not good. So, you know, I need a little help.
Of course I do. With absolutely no experience in the makeup world I had to turn to my favourites such as NikkieTutorials, Nicol Concilio and my new pleasure Anwen. I’ve watched carefully, trying to replicate their looks. After one successful play, however, Mr Thomas looked at me, eyes wide and declared I looked like Kryten from Red Dwarf. For those of you who don’t know who I’m talking about (I didn’t) please see the picture below.
Yes. Well. Obviously, had gone a little overboard with the contouring.
I am getting better though. Even bought an eyeshadow palette. First time wearing eyeshadow. Even bought foundation! Have been flirting with mineral powders up until now but they’re just not cutting the mustard.
However. I have a little bit of a beef with the beauty community. There are a few issues none of them seem to be covering. Tips I’m in desperate need of.
For example. What does one do with stress-related hair loss? The hair is growing back but my baby hairs are curly as all hell and just don’t want to settle. I basically look like an inverted poodle. Straight hair except for tennis ball sized patches on each temple which are curly as all fuck. So what do we do about that, beauty experts? You can’t straighten them. Too short to fit into the hair straightener. Must I suffer in silence?
Then there’s my nose. Now, this may be because it’s growing so rapidly in old age (ha, ha) and every time I apply product to it, my nose simply outgrows it. But how on earth do I get foundation, powders etc to stick? Every time I full-face it up, am left with a patchy nose. And yes, I’m doing the primer and the fixing spray afterwards. Have changed up using beauty blenders and brushes. Nothing works! Look like Rudolph, if Rudolph was sun-burnt and his nose started to peel. What about that, beauty influencers? Am desperate for the ‘snatched’ nose you all talk about, but hard to contour when all the product immediately disappears into some cavernous pit which is, most probably, my over-large pores.
Cut crease. Cripes alive. How do you cut your crease when your crease has about fifteen folds in it? Hooded lids I think they call it. But mine are like they are dressed for Antarctica with fifteen different hoodies in tow, the final one being the furry hood of my eyelashes. Would love a cut crease, but am I to have surgery first to remove layers of skin? I tell you…
(Not beauty folk may have no idea about the above. Don’t worry. It’s actually not that important.)
Now, please. Tell me, am desperate to know: what makeup routine does one need to remove resting bitch face? It’s quite the problem.
Was at a shop the other day, waiting, and the attendant served another lady first. No big deal. Was in no rush and was deep in thought thinking about life, cut-creases, that kind of thing. Anyway, the customer said to the attendant, ‘you better serve that other lady first’ (me) ‘she looks pissed off.’
Was shocked. Turned to lady and said, ‘am not pissed off, just have resting bitch face. This is how I look.’
So, you know, it’s causing problems in my life. So yes. A beauty tutorial to remove resting bitch face is a must.
As is a tutorial on how to put a full face of makeup on in the car. While driving. Now that’s a skill.
Are you guys addicted to YouTube like me? What are your favourite type of videos? Would love to know your favourites!
*** images of NikkieTutorials, Nicol Concilio and Anwen taken from their Youtube channels