KOOL-AID: my days…

The next instalment of Kool-aid. To check out the rest of the story, click on the ‘Koolaid’ menu above.


Right. I admit it. I miss having a purpose. Am quite annoyed at self for admitting this. Because purpose turned out to be a lie. No, we were not saving the world. No, have not found answer to inner peace, bullshit, bullshit.

But now — have nothing to do.

Okay well, is a lie. Am spending inordinate amount of time on web learning everything I didn’t know about the church.

Because was never allowed to be on interweb reading negativity. But now can. Understandable why it wasn’t allowed. A lot of bad press out there. A lot. Rest of world hates church. TV shows and movies and articles talking about how bad church is. All of this has been kept from us. So now, am spending days catching up on that.

Am also catching up on the world as a whole, really. Have been quite cocooned. Especially in last five years. Remember the film The Fifth Element? When Milo Jolovich’s character is seeing all the videos of all the bad shit that has happened in world? Feel like that’s me now. Trying to get up to speed and take it all in.

Am not spending all day on the web. Would send me crazy, no?

I do a lot of walking now. Being out in the air is comforting for me. Even if is freezing.

Is only October, probably should think about buying actual coat before winter sets in properly. Didn’t have one as part of uniform in church. Yes. Uniform. Consisted of khaki coloured pants (one long, one three quarter), tennis shoes, as they call them in America (trainers), two royal blue polo tops and a cardigan for cool days. We all looked like camp counsellors. Or cruise directors. Yacht staff. And yes, am still getting about in this gear because is all I have. Did unstitch churn emblem from the breast of shirts but you can still see the outline. When I do go outside I wrap up with my duvet. It’s quite like a security blanket for me now — I take it everywhere. Am sure the landlord did not intend for it to be used outdoors, especially when I go and smoke by the stream on his property, wrapped up in tight, big fluffy and white. Don’t worry, am not trespassing. While have not met the landlord, Gruff did inform me that I was welcome to use “the grounds.” Have been using them every day since. There’s a lot of trees on the property which is a complete contrast to where I have been living previously. I don’t know, I feel quite protected by them. Like they will shield me from anything bad. Which of course is not true. Trees won’t stop anything or anyone reaching me; it’s just nice to have the illusion of safety even if the reality is completely different.

So those are my days at the moment. Eating, smoking, walking while wrapped in my security duvet, reading horrible stories online and trying desperately to not think of all the bad that has happened to me.



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