Wondering What I Said Keeps Me Up At Night

So am quite tired this morning. Sleep eluded me last night. Full of anxiety, because yesterday I’d had not one but two social engagements. I understand this wouldn’t bother most people, but for me it meant double the amount of worry over who I talked to, what I said to them, why I said what I said to them, what they thought of me, why I was saying it. No wonder it’s so exhausting for me to be out.

Read somewhere about how people with Aspergers get ‘social exhaustion’ because they spend the entire engagement watching themselves, what they say and trying to play the role they think would be more ‘socially acceptable.’ Is exactly how I feel. After I have the added annoyance of the step-by-step replay of every conversation I’ve had, recalling my replies, wondering why I brought up specific topics, wondering how my answers could be interpreted. It’s like after every social engagement I have to debrief. With myself. In my head. A nightmare.

Those of you who have been with me from the start know that I’m not a ‘big drinker.’ Which is brilliant, really, because it means I can use alcohol as a kind of medication. All I needed to do was get up and pour myself a glass of port, settle on the couch to watch mundane TV while I finished it off, and head back to the bedroom for blissful sleep. Is marvellous.

Having said all of that, I did have a wonderful day celebrating my grandfather’s 90th birthday. Ninety. How amazing is that? The one conversation I didn’t have to worry about yesterday was the one I had with my granddad. Thanks to Aunty J for capturing that special moment.

megrandad
Photo courtesy of Janet Rainey

Still; sleep. It’s one of those annoying things that we all need to do and all assume our body is ready for. When it doesn’t come naturally it can torture you, plain and simple. The problem I have, evidently, is switching off my brain.

What keeps you up at night?

18 thoughts on “Wondering What I Said Keeps Me Up At Night

  1. The thing about worry is that we always worry about what we can’t control. My many years of sport helped me to focus on what I could control and leave the rest alone. It was a good training for work and life.

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  2. My wife does the same thing, can’t shut her brain down. It helps if I massage her head and shoulders in bed. The Zoloft makes sure I sleep. Feel bad for her. She is leaving Tuesday for France, has to escort her niece since her mum can’t go due to job restrictions this time.

    Used up all her vacation I guess, so Rebekah is going. Wife’s sister is paying for the whole thing!

    The niece is almost 15, and is hoping for the next Olympics in Fencing. She already plays in the big adult leagues, just that good at it. Has been overseas recently for tournaments.

    Anyway, can you get a doctor’s RX for a sleep aid? I hope you feel better! And happy birthday to your grand dad, awesome man!!

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    1. Yeah – I’m sure you feel real sorry for her having to go to France! She’ll have a blast, I’m sure.

      I used to get tablets for sleeping but I don’t want to do that anymore – don’t want to be reliant on them and I’m kind of sick of having so much crap in my system. The problem being that I used to be on medication for my bladder that would make me sleepy – I used to take that at night and it would knock me out, no worries. It’s not an every day thing when I can’t sleep, thank goodness.

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      1. I see, that’s good. Rebekah will spend just two days at the hotel and venue where her niece will be competing.

        Most of this trip is going to be traveling the nearly 6,000 miles each way. We have never been so far apart, and I am very worried for her safety.

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        1. That sucks! I’m sure she’ll be fine, it’ll probably be tough for you to be a part. Prayers for her safety.

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  3. I must say, GT, a grandpa who is 90 is remarkable, indeed! Happy Birthday to him! And lucky for you to get to share that (and your lives as a family) together!

    I have always found it funny that those of us with abundant creativity, or just overactive minds, can have such trouble trying to let the day go and just sleep, relax. I find an intrinsic dichotomy in the human condition, between the need for relaxation and rejuvenation, and the need for achievement and progression. But those are big words. Allow me to reference some much simpler, but deeper ones:
    http://acc6.its.brooklyn.cuny.edu/~phalsall/texts/taote-v3.html#9
    In section 9, the last two lines are key. (Although I love every line of the Tao Te Ching)

    Lastly, thanks so much for your First Like on my Inaugural Post!!

    NB

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  4. I don’t stress over post-mortems of conversations as much as I used to. What keeps me awake is usually unfinished work or worrying about what the next day and week may bring. This is especially so when I have a lot of appointments and would be looking forward to some quiet space, or quality time with people I am closer to.
    Hope you feel a bit better soon, Giorge, and get some sleep. Port can be good just before bedtime. 🙂

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  5. I suffer from a condition called “shameless” so whatever social engagement I go too, I´m just myself and whoever likes it good and whoever doesn´t like it….then that´s good too. Not saying that you have to act as if you where in your house with friends, but just be you, if some people think I´m not smart enough….so be it, what do I care.

    90 years old! That quite mile stone, congrat´s to your grandpa, plus in the photo you seem to be having quite a good time talking to him, so that´s the bright side of the social engagement.

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  6. Forgot.

    Maybe you should focus on that bright side much more and not think about what you said or how you came across, doing a replay step by step must be quite stressful. So look at your grandpa, he´s 90 he seems in good health, your having a good time with him, that´s what mattes it seems to me.

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  7. It is strange how I worry before a conversation, during I loosen up and well can become feeling at home. LOL
    At night the things keeping me awake are new ideas on how to tackle anything I am doing at the time.

    Happy birthday on your granddad 😀
    And it is tiring to keep awake over something we cannot change any more.
    Do keep on smiling. 😀 It suits you best

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  8. It’s always the things I should have said, the things I didn’t say, how I should have said things better, how I said the right thing but in the wrong way. Hours of sleeplessness as a result of failed conversations.
    Happy birthday to your Grandad. I wonder if he worries about what he says anymore?

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  9. I can totally relate to not being able to sleep when I feel I should be ready to. I have to have a wind-down time watching something brainless I have recorded from television or reading etc with a warm drink in hand, no matter how late the hour.

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  10. Short answer – Sleep Apnea. Recently diagnosed . Totally shifted my sleep pattern. End up sleeping during the day. Blogging and listening to music into the wee hours. Doesn’t do much for my health, but it oddly generates interesting waves of creativity. 😀

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Much appreciated. 🙂

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