So am quite tired this morning. Sleep eluded me last night. Full of anxiety, because yesterday I’d had not one but two social engagements. I understand this wouldn’t bother most people, but for me it meant double the amount of worry over who I talked to, what I said to them, why I said what I said to them, what they thought of me, why I was saying it. No wonder it’s so exhausting for me to be out.
Read somewhere about how people with Aspergers get ‘social exhaustion’ because they spend the entire engagement watching themselves, what they say and trying to play the role they think would be more ‘socially acceptable.’ Is exactly how I feel. After I have the added annoyance of the step-by-step replay of every conversation I’ve had, recalling my replies, wondering why I brought up specific topics, wondering how my answers could be interpreted. It’s like after every social engagement I have to debrief. With myself. In my head. A nightmare.
Those of you who have been with me from the start know that I’m not a ‘big drinker.’ Which is brilliant, really, because it means I can use alcohol as a kind of medication. All I needed to do was get up and pour myself a glass of port, settle on the couch to watch mundane TV while I finished it off, and head back to the bedroom for blissful sleep. Is marvellous.
Having said all of that, I did have a wonderful day celebrating my grandfather’s 90th birthday. Ninety. How amazing is that? The one conversation I didn’t have to worry about yesterday was the one I had with my granddad. Thanks to Aunty J for capturing that special moment.
Still; sleep. It’s one of those annoying things that we all need to do and all assume our body is ready for. When it doesn’t come naturally it can torture you, plain and simple. The problem I have, evidently, is switching off my brain.
What keeps you up at night?