The Only Person Responsible For Your Happiness is YOU

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There’s a blog on WordPress which details the life of a woman living with an abusive husband. For years she’s been going on about how terrible her life is, documenting frequently of the pain and anguish of living with an abusive spouse. She has stated in her own words that she can’t leave him because she isn’t sure if she could cope financially. Yet she has her own job, earning her own money but doesn’t contribute this money to the family household, and is irate (resulting in a venting blog) when her husband suggests she should use her own money to help contribute to the family bills.

This is just one of her many complaints about her husband, which she freely documents on her blog – subjecting herself to the opinion of others. Don’t get me wrong – this lady obviously is having a shitty time of it, but when I saw how long it’s been going on, and spent hours reading the catalogue of blogs to discover that none of them speaks positively about her marriage, I began to wonder why on earth she still is.

Bugger it, I thought. I’ll say what I think. All of those who comment on the blog give sweet reassurances to ‘hang in there’ but no one’s been bold enough to actually call her out on the situation.

I basically said to her – either leave and be happy, or stay and shut up about it.

Ohhh, the backlash. I have been called immature, narcissistic, and egotistical by other commenters on the blog. I have been told I shouldn’t get on my high horse and talk about things I know nothing about.

Fuck off.

I don’t believe myself to be an authority on the subject, but I’ve certainly had my fair share of experience. And sorry my own story does not span twenty odd years, like many of the commenters on the blog – it doesn’t make it any less traumatic.

I think I may have told one of the commenters that I quite like being on my high horse because I can see quite a lot from that height.

Seriously, though, not one of them understood my point, and I can’t be arsed trying to reiterate it to any of them. I honestly feel, and I stand by my comment, that we all have to be culpable for our own actions and emotions.

It’s so easy to blame others. Oh, I’m sad because he’s an arsehole. I’m sad because he’s abusive.

I understand how difficult it is when you’re in that situation and you are not aware of how you are being controlled or abused. Yet if you have been writing a blog spanning several years, writing in detail of the specific passive aggressive actions of your spouse, if you can pinpoint it, then surely you are then aware of it? And so, being aware, you can look subjectively at the situation and see what the problem is.

This woman has weighed the merits of leaving her husband on several occasions – in an open forum – but have decided against it because she couldn’t cope without her husband’s financial support (despite having a job of her own). So she knows there’s a problem and has made a conscious decision to stay. That is her decision. The actions of her husband no longer matter.

Blogging is a great way to vent and rant, (as I am doing here) but there comes a time when you wonder whether certain people actually enjoy playing the martyr. If not, then why are these feelings continually expressed while not being proactive to make a change?

We all need to be culpable for our own actions and emotions, and stop blaming others. Many of the great spiritual theorists will agree, psychiatrists, too, that happiness only comes from within. No person or thing can make you happy; it is your responsibility and yours only to find happiness.

22 thoughts on “The Only Person Responsible For Your Happiness is YOU

  1. It is sad when abuse of any kind happens, physical, emotional, financial, and sexual. Oftentimes in a situation you describe, both parties are guilty of abusing one another, her in a financially abusive was by using him for his money, and him, as she describes. We all have the power to choose, she has obviously chosen that the situation isn’t so bad as to give up her sugar daddy.

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  2. Honestly when I come across blogs that seem to exist for the sole purpose of the owner doing a ‘woe is me’ routine, I tend to think they are lying. Yea I said it! I think even if she started her blog for a desperate outlet to vent and it gained some success, she would never just quit. Also this is the internet, it can be the perfect place to create an identity that would garner the attention that many sick people want. So i take the things people post on their blogs with a huge grain of salt because it doesn’t sound like the woman on that blog wants help.

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    1. You get those people in real life sometimes, don’t you? The ones that always have a problem, that are always complaining. And you get the sense they’re doing it just so people will feel sorry for them. If that’s not narcissistic, I don’t know what is.

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  3. In part I agree with you Giorge, however, as someone who endured an emotional, verbal and psychologically abusive relationship, I can’t help but make the comment that we haven’t walked in this lady’s shoes, do we know the full story? Having been in a similar situation, I understand how scary it is to ‘leave’, especially if children are involved. Sadly, finances are relevant, perhaps this lady doesn’t have financial support from elsewhere, her job might not be well paying. One cannot be ruled by our emotions, life and survival are fact and we do have to make life choices based on financial constraints purely for day to day survival. On saying all of this, I would never have put it ‘out there’ in the public forum when one cannot possibly convey the ‘whole story’. Sadly, this lady has left herself wide open to comment. I just hope she finds the peace she seems to desperately want & need. You had every right to make comment and that’s the good thing about these forums, it invites healthy debate and hopefully we can learn from it all!

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    1. That’s why, in part, I hate money. It is so often used for purposes of power, particularly in relationships. Take money out of the equation, and relationships become completely different. Which is why I’m such an advocate for financially independent relationships – it takes out that added stress.

      We know the majority of this woman’s story, apart from the husband’s side. Yet she frequently documents how he keeps money from her which makes me wonder if she’ll be any worse off on her own, when he will surely be required to pay maintenance anyway.

      My whole point is that by continuing this blog which paints her as a victim and her husband as the villain, she isn’t being fair to either him, herself or her children.

      In the end, we all deserve happiness, and this is all that I truly want for her. It’s just that sometimes we have to find it ourselves.

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  4. I’m with you Giorge. As much as I love blogging, I find sometimes that the community is very ‘you’re amazing, no you’re amazing’ in a way, much like the people commenting on that ladies post I’m sure. It does sound like she is a bit of a martyr seeing as she is able to write all about it, but not do anything.

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  5. Now i can say a lot about abusive relationships but that is not the point her. we all know it isn’t easy to just leave an abusive partner..But from what I hear from you i would say you are right. She can self support her with her job. It is just that she does not want to give the rest of the money and the HOUSE if you ask me.Creating an abusive relationship towards her spouse in making sure he keeps her well fed. Blaming him for things so that he to would not just quit.
    Some weird people in this world.
    I say you are right sometimes thee people need a kick under their ass and get the help to take off and be happy. Yet people say ‘hang in there’. why would one want to say that. ‘hey stay get beat up’ I am with you on this occasion Mrs Thomas. I got your back.

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  6. Unfortunately, those that stay in abusive relationships are meeting one of their 6 basic needs: usually ‘certainty’ or ‘significance’. For them to leave would mean finding someone else to meet those needs – usually someone just as abusive as the last one. We all have destructive traits and we all know how hard they are to break – try resisting that chocolate bar in the cupboard if you’ve had a shitty day! But they’re not usually so destructive. Happiness is definitely our sole responsibility otherwise we would be handing over our power to someone or something else. Being attached to the outcomes in life is another source of most people’s unhappiness. We have to find that place that we can go to within that is safe and constant and reliable – only then can we find peace and happiness.

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  7. Wanted to add, that getting sympathy from dozens of strangers on forums also helps meet that woman’s need for either ‘certainty’ or ‘significance’ and that’s why she continues posting there.

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