There’s a blog on WordPress which details the life of a woman living with an abusive husband. For years she’s been going on about how terrible her life is, documenting frequently of the pain and anguish of living with an abusive spouse. She has stated in her own words that she can’t leave him because she isn’t sure if she could cope financially. Yet she has her own job, earning her own money but doesn’t contribute this money to the family household, and is irate (resulting in a venting blog) when her husband suggests she should use her own money to help contribute to the family bills.
This is just one of her many complaints about her husband, which she freely documents on her blog – subjecting herself to the opinion of others. Don’t get me wrong – this lady obviously is having a shitty time of it, but when I saw how long it’s been going on, and spent hours reading the catalogue of blogs to discover that none of them speaks positively about her marriage, I began to wonder why on earth she still is.
Bugger it, I thought. I’ll say what I think. All of those who comment on the blog give sweet reassurances to ‘hang in there’ but no one’s been bold enough to actually call her out on the situation.
I basically said to her – either leave and be happy, or stay and shut up about it.
Ohhh, the backlash. I have been called immature, narcissistic, and egotistical by other commenters on the blog. I have been told I shouldn’t get on my high horse and talk about things I know nothing about.
I don’t believe myself to be an authority on the subject, but I’ve certainly had my fair share of experience. And sorry my own story does not span twenty odd years, like many of the commenters on the blog – it doesn’t make it any less traumatic.
I think I may have told one of the commenters that I quite like being on my high horse because I can see quite a lot from that height.
Seriously, though, not one of them understood my point, and I can’t be arsed trying to reiterate it to any of them. I honestly feel, and I stand by my comment, that we all have to be culpable for our own actions and emotions.
It’s so easy to blame others. Oh, I’m sad because he’s an arsehole. I’m sad because he’s abusive.
I understand how difficult it is when you’re in that situation and you are not aware of how you are being controlled or abused. Yet if you have been writing a blog spanning several years, writing in detail of the specific passive aggressive actions of your spouse, if you can pinpoint it, then surely you are then aware of it? And so, being aware, you can look subjectively at the situation and see what the problem is.
This woman has weighed the merits of leaving her husband on several occasions – in an open forum – but have decided against it because she couldn’t cope without her husband’s financial support (despite having a job of her own). So she knows there’s a problem and has made a conscious decision to stay. That is her decision. The actions of her husband no longer matter.
Blogging is a great way to vent and rant, (as I am doing here) but there comes a time when you wonder whether certain people actually enjoy playing the martyr. If not, then why are these feelings continually expressed while not being proactive to make a change?
We all need to be culpable for our own actions and emotions, and stop blaming others. Many of the great spiritual theorists will agree, psychiatrists, too, that happiness only comes from within. No person or thing can make you happy; it is your responsibility and yours only to find happiness.