The Only Thing Scary About Halloween, Apparently, is Me


Right, so. Halloween has come and gone and yet again not one little kiddy-wink knocked on my door. Yes, I know being in Australia has something to do with it. We’ve have not yet fully embraced the holiday.

Yet when I popped out, as had a major craving for a banana Paddle Pop, I noticed a number of poorly-costumed children making the rounds.

So now we’ve a bag of Freddo Frogs that need to be eaten. Twenty Freddos. No, wait… Nineteen. Mr Thomas confessed he’s already nicked one.

I have a feeling, and it’s just a feeling, and this could well be my insecurities here, that my outburst a few years back might be the cause of the trick or treating absence.

I should explain. It wasn’t exactly an outburst, more of a lecture.

See, one year, I fully got into the Halloween spirit. I even bought myself a witches hat. Mr Thomas thought I looked like Slash from Guns N’ Roses, but there you go.

I got a bowl full of goodies ready, and I waited.

And not one kiddy-wink turned up.

So I ate the bowl of goodies and disposed of the witches hat.

But then (but then!) a week later, a week I get a knock on the door. Two local kids. I half expected them to ask if they could see my cat, Martini, as they’re the same kids I heard talking about how ‘cool’ my cat was. (‘Oh yeah, that’s the black and white cat, she’s the cool one.’)

The kids looked at me, faces clouded with shame, and said in the dullest voices imaginable, ‘trick or treat!’

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ I asked them.

No need to point it out – I’m well aware that swearing in front of children is a big no-no. I just couldn’t stop myself.

Kids looked aghast, ram-rod straight, unable to move.

‘Halloween was last week,’ I told them.

‘Oh, yeah,’ One of them replied.

‘And you’re not even dressed up!’

‘Oh, yeah,’ was the reply again.

And so I launched into them. I think the reason they looked so frightened was because I reminded them of a mother. Possibly their mother.

‘Do you know I sat here on Halloween with a bowl of candy and a witches hat that my husband said made me look like slash from Guns N’ Roses though you’re probably too young to know who they are, anyway, I sat here and waited for some kids to come trick or treating and not one of you bastards did and so I had to eat an entire bowl of chocolate and candy which I wouldn’t have minded so much except it went straight to my hips and now you have the audacity to come here a week later and you don’t even get dressed up?’

I went on and on and on. Kiddies just stared at me.

‘You kids better be back here next year – in costume – on the actual day of Halloween. Then you’ll get your candy.’

They ran. Actually ran.

The kiddy-winks didn’t return the next year, nor the year after that. I fear I may have scared them off for good. I fear they may have told their friends: ‘stay away from the crazy lady with the cool cat.’

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m ever going to get a trick or treater, I’ll have to move to America. Or, I can simply continue buying chocolate and candy every year on the premise that it’s for the kids and then eat it all when no one turns up.

I don’t feel as bad for getting through an enormous amount of chocolate if I’m doing it not to be wasteful.

So that was my Halloween. Hope you guys had a good one.

14 thoughts on “The Only Thing Scary About Halloween, Apparently, is Me

  1. Aww that is a sad Halloween. It should be about evil laughter and fun. Kids doing heir best dressing scary or pretty. Maybe an idea to do in community wise. feel the water around with people/ parents and organize a day for the kids with games during day and trick or treating in evening? It is how we got it started here in Holland.
    Keep smiling. You will have your trick or treat. Or trick your Mr Thomas in treating you on some sweetness 😛


  2. Haha, just how scary are you? I think I would have run and never come back just like those 2 kids, but I would never have shown up a week late…
    In our area the houses that wish to participate show such by decorating their fronts suitably Hallow’e’eny. It may be worth a try if you are keen to partake. Anyway it started here last year when our neighbour asked us to participate for the sake of her child. But his year they must have had enough friends houses to raid besides ours…


  3. Where we live, the communities schedule trick or treating on Sunday afternoon to make it safe. And all the teenagers from the nearby town (we live in an outlying subdivision) drive from subdivision to subdivision with pillow cases to get as big a haul as possible. Some even have babies in tow and so they hold out two pillowcases. I got fed up with it, so we stopped participating.


    1. In Australia, we’re a long way from the holiday becoming a nationally celebrated event. There’s a part of me, though, that thinks it a great way of bringing a community together.


  4. i think you might have scared them off with your speech! But they should have been there the week before. A week later, what were they thinking? Serves them right! We had lots of little trick or treaters here last night all dressed in their little costumes. i can’t believe we still have candy left!


    1. Yeah, we weren’t really that annoyed by the absence of kiddy-winks. Well, no, we were, a few days later, when the pimples began appearing.


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