When Mr Thomas saw a movie titled Stonehenge Apocalypse on the TV guide the other week, he just had to press play. We knew, by the short synopsis given, that this movie would be a low-budgeted unbelievable movie that would have us in absolute stitches over it’s pure crapness. We had recent experience with this; one night we stumbled across Arachnoquake (oh yes) staring Tracey Gold and Edward Furlong and we had a good hour of fun watching the poor special affects, awkward dialogue and ridiculous story line.
Stonehenge Apocalypse was particularly bad. They had not even bothered to go to England, using polystyrene replicas instead which they had planted in the middle of a field with a mountain in the background and twenty metres from a forest. It seems that they didn’t even speak to anyone who had been to Stonehenge before, or anyone who could explain to them the meaning of the geographical term plain. That was not the only discrepancy. Despite it being England, it was the American military that was running the show when Stonehenge suddenly turned into a gateway for every pyramid in the entire world. Regardless, it was enjoyable viewing and certainly gave us something to talk about afterwards. We just love a crappy low-budget TV movie.
I was very excited, therefore, when I saw that Sharknado was on the telly.
You would have heard of it. The Tara Reid flick that was supposed to show just how low in the gutter her career had gone (and we thought that had happened when she did Celebrity Big Brother) but instead, was so bad, terrible, in fact, that everyone was soon raving about it.
It was a thoroughly enjoyable hour and a half. Not only did I get to see what perhaps was the worst, badly-acted TV movie I’d seen in a while, I was also surprised at how much I learnt. Valuable information that I thought imperative to share with you kind people. And so…
12 THINGS SHARKNADO TAUGHT ME:
- No one has learnt anything from Jaws.
- 20,000 sharks can be herded in the sea and sold for one million dollars.
- Apparently, swaying with your arms out in front of a blue screen constitutes surfing.
- There are no health and safety laws in California against wearing a bikini when working in a restaurant.
- That even in the middle of a hurricane hair can remain perfectly styled.
- Global warming is the blame for everything
- Tara Reid, apparently, is old enough to have kids of driving age.
- A shark cam swim into your house even if you live in Beverly hills. (And also that your house can be flooded on the inside while having no flood water on the outside)
- Storm water (appearing out of nowhere) can destroy your house – flatten it completely – in under ten minutes.
- You can fly a helicopter within throwing distance of a tornado and not get sucked in, or have your hair blow.
- If you get eaten by a shark you are not digested, and can survive for an extended period within the shark’s gut until another person, holding a chainsaw, is also eaten whole and is able to cut you out from the outside in.
- If Thunder Levin can get his screenplay about sharks caught in a tornado that touches down in LA (where else?) than I’ve a fair chance of getting a book published.